I was pregnant, but now I’m not…

I took a pregnancy test after my sister’s gender reveal and was instantly overwhelmed with joy. 

I placed the test on the bathroom counter for my husband to “find.” I kept sending him in there for random things until he noticed it. 

We immediately started fantasizing about whether this baby would be a boy or a girl. 

Coming up with lists of names.

Discussing plans to remodel the house to accommodate one more.

Figuring out where we could make cuts in our spending.

We were so happy at the thought of welcoming another baby into our family!

During the next couple of weeks I began to feel all the symptoms of a new pregnancy. I started eating better, taking prenatal vitamins, cutting out my morning coffee, all to ensure a healthy pregnancy and baby.

I woke up around 4:30am on Saturday, May 13th to use the bathroom and I was bleeding. I ran into our room and the tears started to flood. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t even breathe. I knew what was happening. 

A couple of hours went by, but the pain was unbearable. My mom came and picked up our girls and we headed to the hospital. After blood tests, urine tests, physical exams and ultrasounds – it was confirmed, I was having a miscarriage. 

At 8:00 that night they took me back for a D&C and by 9:30 I was in the car heading home. 

I spent Mother’s Day trying to wrap my head around the fact that I was no longer pregnant.  How could this happen? How could I lose another baby? My body had failed me. 

I went for a follow up a few days later. The genetic tests and pathology reports came back normal. The doctors assured me I did nothing wrong. These things happen. But that doesn’t make it any easier. 

The physical pain has finally subsided. 

I’ll learn to live with the emotional and mental pain. 

I was pregnant, but now I’m not. 

I had a miscarriage.