Scared as a Mother

Fear.

What is fear?

Merriam Webster defines fear as “an unpleasant, often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger; anxious concern.”

If you would’ve asked me what I was scared of or what I feared the most 20 years ago, my answer would’ve been snakes and spiders.

As an adult and most importantly a mother, if you were to ask me those same questions, my question back to you would be, “what am I not afraid of?”

When we received the prognosis that our baby wouldn’t survive long after birth, I was afraid. I was afraid of what my friends and family would think. Would they blame me? After all, I was the mother. It was my job to keep this baby safe from harm.

I prayed hard every day and I chose to have faith. 

When we came home from the hospital and reality set in, I was afraid. I was afraid of losing my marriage. I was afraid of losing myself. I was afraid I would never come back from this. 

Again, I prayed and I chose to have faith.

When we found out we were expecting for the second time, I was afraid. I was afraid of being given the same fate with this baby. I was afraid to love this baby. I tried extremely hard not to get attached throughout the pregnancy. I was afraid that when this baby finally arrived, I would love her more. I would forget about my first baby. 

But again, I chose to have faith.

I hoped that there would be no more fear once my daughter was born. 

Ugh, yeah right. 

I now have a new fear everyday. 

She’s 5 months old and I wake up every night just to check and make sure she’s still breathing.

I worry about allergies every time we introduce her to a new food. I freak out with every cough. I get anxious every time someone reaches out to touch or hold her.

I worry just thinking about her growing up and getting her first skinned knee, having her heart broken, getting her license, going off to college, living in a world that is changing every minute.

I’m scared that one day she won’t need me. 

I HAVE to choose faith every day or else the rest of my life will be riddled with fear and worry. 

Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

God has a plan for my life and I choose to have faith in that.

Scared as a mother with Faith in my Father!